Video Phone Calls From Americans de Albert Brooks 2025 Lyrics Lyrics

Albert Brooks - Phone Calls From Americans Lyrics

[Albert Brooks]
Alright. [sips] Mm. [gulp] Grabbin' some coffee, thank you. Hello, everybody, this is Albert Brooks, and, uh, I'm real happy to be here. Don't—don't ask me how it happened, why I'm in this town, it's a—it's a long story, but…anyway, they said, "Would you come down to the station, take some calls?" I said, "You got it." So call in, we'll chat, and, uh, have some fun! What do I do?

[Producer]
Line one!

[Brooks]
Line one it is, let's go! [click] Hello, this is Albert Brooks.

[Irate Caller]
The woman that called in earlier—

[Brooks]
No, no.

[Irate Caller]
—about ecology—

[Brooks]
No, no, wait—

[Irate Caller]
I'm so sick of that!

[Brooks]
Ju—
[Irate Caller]
"Save the trees!"

[Brooks]
Wha—

[Irate Caller]
What are you gonna build your house out of, meat?

[Brooks]
No, no, sir, this is Albert Brooks, uh, uh—

[Irate Caller]
Who?!

[Brooks]
I don't know what call you're referring to.

[Irate Caller]
What the hеll is going—

[Brooks]
[click] Okay, fine, let's, uh, let's go to linе two.

[Second Caller]
Oh, listen, you—
[Brooks]
And, uh…

[Second Caller]
—you can hear him talking.

[Brooks]
Hello—

[Second Caller]
Yeah!

[Brooks]
—this is Albert Brooks.

[Second Caller]
Hey, hey, come over here! You can—

[Brooks]
No—

[Second Caller]
—you can hear him talking!

[Brooks]
Ooh, man put down the phone. No, come back, please!
[Caller's Friend]
Yeah, great.

[Brooks]
Come on the air!

[Caller's Friend]
Yeah! [chuckles] Al!

[Brooks]
Yes, sir?

[Caller's Friend]
Ha! "Yes, sir?" You're too much – we're big fans of yours— [chuckles]

[Brooks]
Oh, thank you very much.

[Caller's Friend]
Ha!

[Brooks]
So, what's on your mind?

[Caller's Friend]
[chuckles] Uh, listen, I got a joke for ya!

[Brooks]
Ah. Shoot!

[Caller's Friend]
[stifling laughter] "Shoot."

[Brooks]
Yeah.

[Caller's Friend]
Alright—

[Brooks]
Thank you.

[Caller's Friend]
—it's one of these "good news, bad news" jokes—

[Brooks]
Oh, okay!

[Caller's Friend]
—alright? Now you play your part in it too.

[Brooks]
Right.

[Caller's Friend]
I'm gonna say to you, "Al?"

[Brooks]
Yeah?

[Caller's Friend]
"I've got some good news and bad news—"

[Brooks]
Right, and I'll say…

[Caller's Friend]
And you say—my name's Tom—

[Brooks]
Yeah?

[Tom]
You say, "Tom?"

[Brooks]
T— What?

[Tom]
"Give me the, uh, bad news—"

[Brooks]
Bu—alright.

[Tom]
—and then I'll give you the bad news and then you say, "Give me the good news."

[Brooks]
Fine, okay, Tom?

[Tom]
Alright? So—

[Brooks]
Give me the bad news!

[Tom]
What?

[Brooks]
What's the bad news?

[Tom]
Oh, I didn't know we were starting!

[Brooks]
Yeah!

[Tom]
Uh, I gotta start!

[Brooks]
Alright.

[Tom]
Al!

[Brooks]
Yeah?

[Tom]
I've got some good news and bad news for ya!

[Brooks]
Okay, Tom?

[Tom]
Yeah?

[Brooks]
Give me the bad news.

[Tom]
Alright, Al, the bad news is I haven't got any good news for ya!

[Brooks]
Uh-oh, what's the good news, Tom?

[Tom]
Well, the good news, Al: that's all the bad news I got! [laughs]

[Brooks]
Ohhh-ho-hoh, great.

[Tom]
Little different, isn't it?

[Brooks]
Certainly is.

[Tom]
[?] a switch!

[Brooks]
It is a switch.

[Tom]
Ha!

[Brooks]
Let's both laugh at it.

[Tom]
Sure!

[Brooks]
Alright. [both laugh] Thanks, Tom.

[Tom]
Alright.

[Brooks]
[click] Alright, let's go on—[laughs]—line three. Hello?

[Musical Caller]
[plays harmonica]

[Brooks]
Oh, my, listen…

[Musical Caller]
[plays harmonica]

[Brooks]
That's interesting.

[Musical Caller]
[plays harmonica, followed by clattering sound]

[Brooks]
Hello?

[Musical Caller]
I play…eleven other instruments.

[Brooks]
Very good. Uh…

[Musical Caller]
Good-bye. [hangs up; dial tone sound]

[Brooks]
Alright, good-bye. Let's go to, uh, line three. Hello?

[Peppy Caller]
Oh, yeah, yeah, Albert Brooks?

[Brooks]
Yes, sir?

[Peppy Caller]
Yeah, nice to talk to ya. Listen, I'm a disc jockey here in town—

[Brooks]
Uh-huh.

[Disc Jockey]
—and on the side I'm in the kind of a, uh, comedy bag.

[Brooks]
Yeah.

[Disc Jockey]
I wanted to ask you a few questions, pick your brain.

[Brooks]
Alright, be careful.

[Disc Jockey]
Oh, for sure! Uh…alright, how important is the, uh, element of surprise in comedy?

[Brooks]
That's about the stupidest question I've ever heard—what kind of a moron are you?

[Disc Jockey]
Hey, hey! Watch it, will ya?

[Brooks]
No, ya see? I was just surprising you!

[Disc Jockey]
Surprising me—I get it, I see what you did, you turned it around!

[Brooks]
That's right.

[Disc Jockey]
Alright. Um…

[Brooks]
Yeah?

[Disc Jockey]
What about, uh, delivery?

[Brooks]
Well, I think you could pick it up yourself, can't ya?

[Disc Jockey]
I ge—alright, I guess I could, but what if you're a two-man team? Each guy pick up half of it?

[Brooks]
Mm-hmm…

[Disc Jockey]
"Pick…up…half of it."

[Brooks]
Writing?

[Disc Jockey]
I'm wri—I'm writing.

[Brooks]
Alright.

[Disc Jockey]
Alright, finally, one last question.

[Brooks]
Yeah?

[Disc Jockey]
Let me ask you, what, uh—how important is writing your own material?

[Brooks]
Well, I think it's very important.

[Disc Jockey]
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

[Brooks]
Uh…I mean, uh, do you think funny?

[Disc Jockey]
I'll tell ya—

[Brooks]
Mm-hmm?

[Disc Jockey]
—I don't think funny…but I am funny.

[Brooks]
Are you really funny?

[Disc Jockey]
Really funny.

[Brooks]
Well…I'd say you're alright, then. Just—just do the best you can!

[Disc Jockey]
"Best you can."

[Brooks]
Mm-hmm!

[Disc Jockey]
Out of sight.

[Brooks]
Thank you.

[Disc Jockey]
Hey, drive carefully, huh?

[Brooks]
I will. Alright, let's move on. [click] I think this is line two flashing. Hello? You're on the air!

[sound of preceding conversation]

[Brooks]
No—turn your radio down! Turn your radio down!

[Interference Caller]
Hello!

[Brooks]
Hello!

[Interference Caller]
Hello!

[Brooks]
Hello! Turn your—

[Interference Caller]
Albert!

[Brooks]
Hello!

[Interference Caller]
Hello!

[Brooks]
Turn your—

[Interference Caller]
Hello!

[Brooks]
—radio down!

[Interference Caller]
Hello!

[Brooks]
Yes, okay, let's move on. Hello, this is Albert Brooks.

[Jovial Caller]
Hello, Albert—

[Brooks]
I know—I know that voice!

[Jovial Caller]
—Bud Harper!

[Brooks]
Yes! [with Bud Harper] Cheryl's dad!

[Bud Harper]
Right!

[Brooks]
Hey, Bud! How are ya?

[Harper]
Fine, how's by you?

[Brooks]
Oh, great; uh, hey, I gotta—

[Harper]
Yea?

[Brooks]
—I gotta explain to the audience.

[Harper]
Yeah.

[Brooks]
Um, I was performing here about two years ago—

[Harper]
Yo.

[Brooks]
—and Cheryl, uh, was a girl like m-many do that, uh—

[Harper]
Heh.

[Brooks]
—came backstage—

[Harper]
Heh…

[Brooks]
—and we went back to the hotel.

[Harper]
Yeah.

[Brooks]
And I wanna tell ya—

[Harper]
Heh.

[Brooks]
—that girl can make love!

[Harper]
Well, thank you.

[Brooks]
Whoo!

[Harper]
Isn't she somethin'?

[Brooks]
You bet. Hey, uh, how's she doin'?

[Harper]
Oh, great; she's all excited: the letterman is supposed to be comin' through here.

[Brooks]
Ohh, well, listen, tell her I said hello, huh?

[Harper]
Oh, ohh, I—

[Brooks]
And I, uh, I miss all of ya!

[Harper]
Miss you, too; tur-turkey dinner, now!

[Brooks]
Heh, turkey dinner, Bud, and give your daughter a big hug and a squeeze for me!

[Harper]
Oh, I'm doing it now!

[Brooks]
Oh, great, alright. Hey, one last call—[click]—then I gotta run. Hello?

[Final Caller]
I'm [?] a psychiatrist in town.

[Brooks]
Mm-hmm.

[Psychiatrist]
I'd like to ask you one question.

[Brooks]
Alright, go ahead.

[Psychiatrist]
What are you trying to prove?

[Brooks]
What is that supposed to mean?

[Psychiatrist]
You still trying to show Mother something?

[Brooks]
Show Mother what?

[Psychiatrist]
Do you still feel you could buy your friends with laughter?

[Brooks]
Let me tell you something, doctor—

[Psychiatrist]
Mmm.

[Brooks]
I don't have to buy my friends with anything!

[Psychiatrist]
Hmph!

[Brooks]
I don't need friends!

[Psychiatrist]
Uh…

[Brooks]
I shouldn't have friends!

[Psychiatrist]
Huh.

[Brooks]
It's a prerequisite, uh, for this business! You don't go into this business and expect friends! I am a loner, I must be a loner: that's what an artist is!

[Psychiatrist]
You don't believe that.

[Brooks]
You're damn right, I don't believe that. Help me, man, I'm sick!

[Psychiatrist]
Alright, how long you in town for, Albert?

[Brooks]
I don't know, maybe forever; I feel catatonic…

[Psychiatrist]
Alright, stay there. I'm Dr. Mark Heller.

[Brooks]
[sips]

[Dr. Mark Heller]
Uh, mmm—I'll call you right after the show.

[Brooks]
Mmm! [gulp] It is after the show!

[Dr. Heller]
Oh.

[Brooks]
H-hold on!

[Dr. Heller]
Alright.

[Brooks]
Uh, ladies and gentlemen, I've had a b-a-double-l!

[Dr. Heller]
[chuckles]

[Brooks]
I thank you all very much, I turn the program back over to numero uno.

[Dr. Heller]
Oh.

[Brooks]
And, uh, listen, if this…this doctor holding on the phone here is worth his salt, maybe the next time I talk to ya, yours truly won't be consumed with hatred.

[Dr. Heller]
And rage.

[Brooks]
That, too. Have a happy "Won't ya?"